It's out in the open.

                 Dear Diary,

This is a very confusing time for me. I live under the impression that I have no one to confide in because deem no one that I know, worthy of being confided in. The fact that I know that I live under this ‘impression’ reeks of narcissism and also speaks volumes about my present mental state. I know that I want to talk to people but self restraint and my overall lack of trust in the human race stops me from making any progress. At best, the only thing that increases in my world is the distance between me and the people I call my friends.

I also know that I’m capable of doing a lot of things, new things and things that I already do, but can do better. Other people also recognise this and the fact that so many of them speak out about it just drives me up the wall. There was once a time when I loved large gatherings of people, it became a place to swap tales and learn about new things; now I despise crowds and parties. Anything new and not tested before scares me. I know that I take music seriously but something keeps my finger on the ‘next’ button whenever an unfamiliar song comes up on my iPod.

I love people but I refuse to acknowledge that. For some twisted reason that even I cannot understand, I am unable to answer that question. I seek more, but of what I know not. I see myself as an amalgamation of people whose qualities I secretly admire, but on the sly and whose presence I will not acknowledge. I want, but do not know why. I want to proofread this post before I post it but I know that I’ll do that later, after it’s up on my blog and will then be too lazy to make any changes.

The monsoon is on, it was my favourite season until this year when, again, for a reason I do knot know, I despise the rain.

Meeting people just leaves me more confused any cynical than I was before. Maybe I need a change of season or a change of scene.

Or maybe I just need to worry less and get on with things more.

Che. We’ll see.

PS – Heard on the phone: ‘Architecture is manipulation of man’s surroundings’.