Review - Tees Maar Khan

The following is not meant to be remembered as an action that I did, or as something I want people to remember about me. What I did is akin to visiting a brothel, drinking in front of your boss, or talking about someone behind their back.

I did none of these things but I did agree to tag along with a group of friends who were going to see a new Hindi movie. I agreed to watch a Bollywood production; and that is like asking a doctor to inject your baby with the polio virus, or walking into a room filled with Ebola infected monkeys, right after taking your marital vows.

Yes, anything that comes out of Bollywood is vile, disgusting, and only fit for consumption by swine, simians, village idiots and all multicellular organisms, barring humans. For the discerning art critic, Bollywood is a sham, an industry woven around people’s ignorance and their willingness to buy into anything that someone on a screen tells them. In short, barring a few films, I hate anything and anyone that has anything to do with Bollywood.

The torture sequence in question, Tees Maar Khan, started off interestingly enough, with the opening credits being displayed in creatively placed locations on a cityscape, on the road signs, on the backs of trucks and so on. Only at the end of the opening sequence do you realise that it’s actually a mini cityscape with toy trains and tracks snaking around gyrating women.

The cast of the movie is impressive, to the informed that is – 

·      Akshay Khanna – A name I associate with one of the few Bollywood movies that I remember – Dil Chahta Hai

·      Akshay Kumar – Retard

·      Katrina Kaif – Accented Bimbo

·      Salman Khan  - Muscled Bandra resident

·      Anil Kapoor – (Guest) – Ok, not a bad actor

·      Vishal Dadlani (Music) – Ex. Pentagram, severely degraded now

With names like that, you would be impressed and would look forward to something worth watching, especially with all the hype around the much played Sheela ki Jawani number.

But you would be wrong.

And how.

The movie is a waste of whatever amount you pay to watch it. 

Tees Maar Khan (TMK) is a big time thief who masquerades as a film producer. Akshay Khanna is a star burning with jealousy at the fact that Anil Kapoor has an Oscar to his credit. Katrina Kaif is the slutty, starry eyed fiancée of TMK who does little more that throw star tantrums. The rest of the cast are more or less non existent, and do not deserve a mention.

The only things I do remember are the mention of a director Manoj ‘Day’ Ramkumar, an obvious dig at M Night Shyamalan. Poor joke as not many people know the man.

And one more thing, the town of Dhulia, which apparently has a bank called ‘Bloody Angreez Bank’ and a dark forest haunted by a headless knight riding a live horse.

Dialogues – My ass farting would come up with better things to say than the scriptwriters.

Yes the Jawani number is there to be witnessed in it’s full glory, with the Kaif woman shaking everything she’s got.

Lame.

If it were possible to give a movie a negative rating, this would deserve a MINUS TEN.

And if not, I’d like to click the ‘Dislike’ button whenever anyone mentions this.

Watch only if you are completely misinformed, narrow minded retard who has never watched anything better, or if you’ve been living under a medium sized rock.

-          Childer Robelle.